If I had a penny (okay…maybe a dollar) for every time I heard someone say “it gets better with time” I’d be a millionaire. But you know what? The same is so, so, so wrong. Time doesn’t make it better. Time doesn’t change what happened. Time doesn’t make the loss go away. Time doesn’t make me feel better. Time doesn’t make the loss easier. Time doesn’t fill the void. Time doesn’t “heal” a broken heart.
Disclaimer: Now, this is clearly from my own perspective on what time hasn’t done, and by no means am I an expert, but time has provided me a few things:
1 – Reflection
Time has allowed me to reflect on the TIME I had with Amanda. Time has allowed me to laugh at so many of the memories I was able to experience with Amanda. Time has allowed me to cherish the adventures and special moments I shared with Amanda. Time will not allow me to make new memories, or participate in another “sister trip” with Amanda, but time has allowed me to reflect on just how special those trips really were with her.
2 – Coping
Time has allowed me to find a way to cope with my grief. I will NEVER stop grieving the loss of my sister. Amanda was a constant in my life for 31 years. She was with me since the day I was born until the day she left us. She has molded me into who I am today. Some of my greatest qualities are because of her.
Time has allowed me to find a way of coping with my grief so that isn’t all-consuming. It took time and is still a work in progress, but without a coping mechanism, grief is heavy, excruciating, and all-consuming. I lived in that place for a while and it took me time to find my way out. With the help of therapy, a lot of support, and even more love I could find my way to where I can grieve every day, but still live.
Amanda would want me to LIVE and she would want me to show up for the life I have. As I was on the torture machine (AKA our Peloton bike) the instructor (Thank you, Ally Love) said, “Choose life, don’t just be alive.” I couldn’t help but think that was Amanda’s way of telling me “keep going, show up, make it happen!”
I know I can because time has allowed me to cope with my grief.
3 – Perspective
Time has provided me perspective. I’ve been able to view life differently. I’ve been able to live life differently. This perspective and outlook probably wouldn’t have happened (or wouldn’t have happened so soon in my life) without experience the loss of Amanda. This perspective has shown me what I really value in life. What I really care about. This new perspective has unveiled all of the things I love and value the most. Most importantly, this new perspective has allowed me to live life the way I want to – less judgment, less “should of,” less “could of,” more love, more time spent with those I care about, and more joy for the simple things in life.
Time is not going to fill the void I have in my life. Time is not going to heal my broken heart. But I know that time will allow me to reflect on the times I was able to share with Amanda. With time, I know that I will not allow my grief to consume my daily life because I have found ways to cope with my grief. Finally, with time, I have been able to find what truly matters to me. I think Amanda would be happy knowing that I will continue to choose life and I will not let time just pass me by.